A Heart & A Hard Place
by Zonji
Summary: Edward has to choose between the "sun" and an "eclipse"....what will he do?
1. Mirror

**ok, so i read a one shot by "dare to breathe" and was inspired to write this (n my sidekick at 2 in the morning, of course!)**

**I've seen this pairing and shunned it because i'm a "edward & bella or i'll punch you in the face!" kind of girl...but its always healthy to open ur mind and expand so...**

**here it is...**

**damn u Stephenie for dreaming this up before i could!!**

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I stared at the floor length mirror, studying its pale reflection. The word beautiful failed to encompass all that was she. The smooth, alabaster skin shimmered like sunshine as waves of deep, blond hair cascaded around her delicate face. She did not try to be sexy; the soft pout to her mouth and slight droop of her honey-colored, bedroom eyes did this without effort.

She was tall, with a lean yet curvy frame. The deep purple sundress she wore was striking against her white skin. My eyes slid over the swell of her breast; admired the way the wispy fabric seemed to hug her waist and swell softly at the hip, conforming to the perfect curvature of her body. I lifted my eyes to meet hers. The sadness in them mirrored my own. Like me, they seemed to wonder how this beauty had not been able to hold him the way it had so many others. Of course we knew it wasn't just about beauty, he wasn't that shallow. But still, it was worse to think that even with everything else we had to offer, outside of the physical, it had not been enough.

I looked away, ashamed of the sadness I had allowed to wash over me. The supple fabric of the sundress floated behind me as I made my way to the large, bay window of my room. The picturesque beauty of Denali would have left me breathless, if I'd had any. The sun was high in the pale blue skies, illuminating the deep green forest and rolling hills below.

I smiled to myself, amazed at how insignificant my issues seemed in the face of such beauty. Before I could blink, I was outside; my long limbs sprawled out in the cool, green grass. I fanned my hair out above me and closed my eyes, giggling to myself as I imagined what my sparkling body looked like to the birds I could hear, soaring gracefully above.

"Exquisite." A painfully melodic voice whispered.

I was on my feet before I could think, staring at the most beautiful creature I would ever see. I knew if my heart could beat, its pace would have doubled. He was standing there, smiling that gorgeous, crooked smile. Even for a vampire, his beauty was mesmerizing.

"Ok, ok, enough with the flattery." He joked, waving his hands dismissively.

"Hello, Edward. What brings you here?"

_He can't be here to see me. _

"Actually, I am." He murmured, as he quickly took a seat by my feet. I stared down at him as he lowered his back into the grass and placed his arms behind his head.

"Join me." he called. I had not choice but to comply. His voice seemed to control the inner workings of my body; like the strings of a puppet master. I sank sinuously to the ground beside him, confused but happy to be sharing this moment.

"You do have a choice, you know." He mused.

"Huh?"

"Nothing…so, how are you?"

I hated when he asked questions he already knew the answers to.

"If I knew the answer I wouldn't be asking." He chuckled lightly.

"So you've lost your gift then, have you?"

"No, its works as well as it always has." I heard the smile in his voice.

"Then you won't mind if I don't bother to answer that ridiculous question." I snapped, turning my head away from him. I swear, sometimes it felt like he got off on torturing me. As if reading my most intimate thoughts wasn't enough, he had to hear me say them. Instantly, he was lying in front of me, his glorious face propped up on his elbow.

"Tanya, please forgive me. I never meant to torture you. It's just that, there are times when your thoughts are not quite clear. Sometimes they all run together and it's hard for me to single them out." He explained, pushing a strand of my hair away from my face with his long fingers. His touch sent a warm vibration throughout my body.

"Sorry." He mumbled, swiftly pulling his hand away.

"Its fine, Edward. You can't help it. I'm sorry for what I said, err, thought. I know your not trying to hurt me."

"Well, I will admit there are some things I hear but would rather you spoke them aloud." He smiled sheepishly. "It's easier to feel the tenor of your emotions if I hear you voice them."

"What are you doing here, Edward?" I sighed heavily. He did not answer. Instead, he rolled onto his back and stared up into the sky. It was beginning to seem like he wasn't going to respond, so I too rolled to my back, fanning my hair out once again. My eyes flickered to his face as a small growl escaped his throat.

"I've…I've been…well…"

"Just spit it out, Edward."

"Well…the truth is, I've…missed you." He breathed, almost too low for me to hear, and that was low. For the first time in a while, I wished I had a beating heart. I longed to feel my pulse accelerate rapidly at his words. Quickly, I beat down the hope that sought to rise within me. I refused to be disappointed they way I had been so many times before.

"Tanya…please." Edward pleaded, sorrow in his beautiful voice.

"Sorry." I whispered.

"No, it's…I'm sorry. You know I…"

"Yes, I know, Edward, but do you really think that makes it hurt any less?" I was getting angry now as I quickly rose to my feet and stalked towards the lush forest. His steps barely made a sound as he followed me. Who did he think he was to keep doing this to me? He couldn't say he didn't know how I felt, or know what seeing him and being with him did to me. Any fool with sight, especially a fool with that of a vampire's could see that I was…in love with him. I trudged along, refusing to turn when his silent footsteps came to a halt.

"Tanya, I had no idea." He breathed, appearing before me as I reached the shade of a giant spruce.

"Ha! Save it Edward." I laughed, un-amused. I really wasn't in the mood for this. I turned swiftly and headed back the way I had come.

"Tanya, listen to me; look at me!" He commanded, once again standing in front of me. His warm hands, warm because our temperatures were the same, rested lightly against either sides of my face. I gasped at his touch as I stared into his eyes.

"I truly did not know your feelings were this…deep. Yes, I knew that they were strong, but usually they were coupled with thoughts of other men you've…had, and well, naturally I assumed your feelings were merely of a…physical nature."

Thought it pained me to do so, I removed his hands from my face and walked around him. At a human pace, I returned to my place in the grass. He hesitated for a moment, and then walked just as slowly as I had and joined me. I was quiet for a while, mulling over some things in my head; deciding whether or not to let my guard down and come clean.

"Please, Tanya."

I looked over into his piercing, butterscotch eyes and knew I had no choice.

"Yes, there is always a choice."

"No, not with you, Edward." I took a deep breath.

"The reason you saw things that way in my mind is because that's what I wanted you to see. I didn't want you to hear the true extent of my feelings for you." I began, staring at two ants in the grass; one following the other every where it went.

"I did this because, if you rejected me…when you rejected me, it wouldn't hurt as bad. I could live with it if you merely thought it to be a "crush", but if you had known the true depth of what I felt, and still chose…well, its no matter now, your choice is made. At least I have some of my dignity left."

I sighed, twisting a blade of grass between my cold fingers. I tossed it in the air and watched as the wind carried it about the yard. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I didn't' want the pity I knew would be brimming in his eyes.

"Look at me, Tanya." I could not disobey the authority in his voice. I lifted my eyes reluctantly to his. There was no pity there, simply a bright curiosity.

"What?"

"Show me." he breathed.

"Show you what, Edward?" I loved the way his name rolled off my lips; tinged with the faintest of Russian accents, almost lost to me now. His mouth pulled up into a wry smile.

"I like it as well."

"What do you want me to show you, Edward?" I rolled my eyes, but smiled.

"Show me, or tell me, if you prefer, how you truly feel." His voice was pleading, as if there was some underlying reason to his curiosity.

"You know me to well." He mused. He was right about that. I knew him well enough to know that bearing my soul would not give him what he wanted.

"Tanya!" My eyes raced to his, alarmed by the pain in his voice.

"Please." His eyes smoldered under the dark lashes, melting my resolve.

I knew then, that there was no turning back. The flood gates were opening and I knew that from this point on, our relationship would never be the same.

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**okiday! i hope u liked it! please please R&R. This is supposed to be a one-shot, but depending on how u guys feel about it, i may try and expand it...there has 2 be enough ppl want to read it though, lol...**

and don't ask me where i'm going with it, cuz honestly, i have no idea...lol

peace&positiveEnergy


	2. The Man I Love

**ok...i apologize if this is hard to read...i typed it in my sidekick then transferred it and it started acting crazy and didn't let me edit it the way i wanted. i promise the next chap. will be easier to view. NOTE: italicsthoughts**

**thanx 4 reading...**

**Steph owns all**

EPOV

My eyes were centered on her face, transfixed by the beauty I found there. I had always thought her to be visually stunning, but I'd never had a reason to look beyond that. Her mind had always been so loud and crowded; often screaming the desires she felt for me. Now, the noises in her head had quieted, giving way to a new, less confident, vulnerable one.

"Say something." She breathed, her eyes focused on her smooth hands. _I knew this was a mistake; what was I thinking?_

I smiled to myself, "You were thinking that you're tired of hiding yourself from me; that you wanted to be honest with yourself and me, even if it  
meant the breaking of a non-existent heart.'" I told her.

"Humph...well, maybe not in those words, but...yes." She agreed, continuing to fidget with her hands.  
"So?" she questioned, finally meeting my gaze.  
"So?" I mimicked._  
_"So, what now?"

What indeed. I had no answer for this, as my eyes wandered over her sparkling skin. How had I failed to really see her?

_Ugh...this is killing me! Why does he always have to be so closed off? Is he going to run back to her now? How could I be so stupid?_

Her loud thoughts made it almost impossible to think.

"Well, technically you're already dead and please, one question at a time, I can't keep up." I joked, trying to lighten her mood. She glared at me with narrowed eyes, before leaping to her feet,  
"Thank you, Edward; for making things that much harder." She growled before running into the sunlit forest.

Just when I thought I was handling the situation. I got up to look for her, following the sweet perfumed scent she left behind. It had no where near the pull that Bella's had for me, but it was an attractive fragrance nonetheless. I _had_ noticed that before.

She was sitting on a thick branch, high atop a giant spruce. A gentle breeze fluttered through the thin fabric of her dress, exposing her long, white legs. The image of my fingers trailing softly against the smooth skin of her thighs popped into my head; I dismissed it quickly. In a single bound, I leaped to her side, balancing myself on a sturdy branch not far from her. I hummed quietly to myself, trying to block her thoughts as best I could. I figured she needed some time to get them under control.

"What is that?" she finally spoke.  
"Hmm?"  
"That song you're humming; it's beautiful."

I thought for a moment, surprised when I realized the generic melody I started had turned into Bella's lullaby. I smiled to myself; amazed that she had permeated my subconscious. There was no part of me that truly could, or wanted to keep her away.

"I might have known." Tanya murmured dryly, jumping to a tree almost 100ft away. I sighed heavily before following her, wondering if there was any way I could make her feel worse. I barely felt the thin branches slapping against my iron skin as I bounded through several trees before reaching her. She was at the base of the trunk this time, sitting on a large root that had erupted from the ground. Her strawberry blonde hair swirled around her as the wind continued to blow. She looked like a model in one of those silly, fashion magazines, only much, much better.

"Tanya, I'm sorry." I sighed, placing my hand on her bare shoulder. For once, her thoughts didn't immediately shift to images of us in a more than compromising position. Instead, it was a vision of her and me, sailing on the vast ocean; our fingers intertwined as the sun set in the distance.

"You seem to be apologizing a lot today." The vision quickly dissolved as she turned to me. I read the sadness in her eyes and wished I could erase it. It was the least I could since I was the one who had put it there.

"Tanya..." I began, positioning myself behind her on the root, "it's just that...I keep hurting you; something I never meant to do. I just can't see how I could ever be what you want when I feel...like..."

"I just don't get it, Edward." Her soft, blonde hair slapped my face as she whipped her body around to face me.  
"What I mean is, I don't understand how you could love her so much; how you could feel so strongly...and in such a short time. How do you even know its love if you've never experienced it before?" she questioned, the hurt in her eyes was almost unbearable.

"Don't you see? That's it. I've never met anyone who made me feel so...changed. It's almost as if she's altered my being. I'm not sure if I ever experienced life before her, and I'm sure that life won't be the same without her." I murmured as I turned away from her. Her thoughts were running wild, but they had not caught on to the double meaning of my words.

"You know Edward, you say that no one's ever made you feel that way, but you've never given anyone else a chance. You've always been so wrapped up in yourself that you've never bothered to notice anyone else." The resentment was thick in her voice as she questioned me, pausing for a moment to collect her thoughts.

"Edward, can you honestly say that you would have noticed her, even if her blood didn't sing to u? I know that she's changed you, but how do u know that she's the only one who could?" she breathed, gazing into my eyes.

Funny, I hadn't seen or heard this one coming.

"Does that really matter, Tanya? I can't go back...I can't undo what's been done." I whispered half-heartedly. I couldn't deny the truth to her words. If I was really honest with myself, I would admit that I had never paid much attention to anyone other than my family. I so sternly believed I would spend eternity  
alone, that even when the opportunity to find a mate presented itself, I merely brushed it to the side. I had never taken the time to truly _see_ anyone. And it was true, I had only felt an interest in Bella after I'd managed not to murder her; after I'd learned that I couldn't hear her the way I heard others. This didn't matter though...did it?

"You may be right about my initial attraction to her...but that does not change the fact that I fell in love with who she was and how she made me feel." I countered, knowing that it was true.

"I know." She breathed as she turned away from me; a hint of defeat in her soft voice.  
"The thing is, Edward, how do you know that wouldn't have happened with me? Why couldn't you give me the same chance? I guess...I know it could be partially my fault, for hiding me but..." She stopped short, letting her mind speak the words her voice was too weak to utter.

_Seeing your face that first time so many years ago; the pain and confusion in your eyes...the slight resentment I knew you felt for this life you had not chosen. From that first day, all I've wanted to do was make you happy; to see that radiant smile that illuminated even the darkest recesses of my mind...to tell you the way you warmed my deadened heart every time your fingers caressed the ivory keys of our piano effortlessly...how could I-_

"Tanya..." I gazed into her eyes. The heartache and longing in the atmosphere of her mind had been more than I could bear. How had I let things get this way? How had I failed so completely to see who this beautiful creature really was?

She sighed heavily and closed her eyes as I placed my hand against her warm cheek. Again, she opened her deepest thoughts to me. I stiffened involuntarily at the image of us laying in each others arms; normally this would be followed by thoughts of clothes being ripped to shreds...it was different this time.

I tried to block the sensation that was building within me as I watched the mental picture of her placing a soft kiss at the corner of my mouth. Her gentle hands traced the planes of my bare chest and chills ripped through my body. A low growl escaped my lips as the images continued; one slender finger traveled the length of my torso, pausing at my collarbone before continuing up my neck and chin; finally resting against my lips. As she gazed into my eyes, there was no heartache or longing; no disappointments or regrets…only love. I lifted my lids slowly, surprised to see her watching me intently.

"Did you see?" she questioned earnestly. I nodded in response, afraid that my voice would break if I spoke.

"Well, now you know, Edward. I…I love you. I think I always have. I know that you don't love me, but you can't deny there's something there, in your silent heart." She spoke softly, placing her hand over my chest. I stared into her eyes, knowing what she wanted, and unsure that I would be able to keep myself from giving it to her.

"Edward…" she breathed, sensing my indecision. I couldn't look away from her; torn between the duality of my feelings. To say that I loved Bella was an understatement; there were no words to truly describe the depth of what I felt for her. Yet, Tanya had been right; I had not been fair to her; I hadn't given her the chance she'd so desperately longed for. I had never given myself the chance.

"Edward." Her lips were inches away from my own; the familiar sweetness of her breath tickled my nose and brought a smile to my face. Her answering smile was dazzling. I gazed into her warm, honey-colored eyes, wondering if I could give her what her mind was throwing at me. I felt the corner of my mouth pull up into a soft grin.

"Tanya." I whispered, before taking her smooth face in my hands, pulling our lips towards the point of no return.

**ok..hope u liked it!! please please please review! i want to know what u guys think of it..good or bad! i'm going to try and update soon...**


	3. Torn

**Okiday so...i've noticed that people check the story out but don't necessarily review, which is why i don't update that often and which leads me to believe that they're not really that interested in seeing how it plays out... :(**

**So with that in mind, unless i can get at least 10 reviews over the next 2-3 days, this is going to be the last chapter of the story. I had planned for it to go a little longer, but i dont really see the point if I'm the only one who likes it, lol... its been a great writing experience tho'; its good practice!**

**Sorry to those of you who enjoyed it (myself included!) :( maybe i'll work on something else...any ideas??**

**Steph owns this stuff...maybe i should leave it to her?? lol... Enjoy!**

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TPOV

Fire was coursing through my veins. Never had I imagined…well, I _had_ imagined it numerous times, but I never believed that Edward's lips would be pressed firmly against mine. The urgency of his lips had taken me by surprise, momentarily shocking my body.

My breath quickened as his hands caressed my bare shoulders; sending pulsing vibrations throughout my being. His lips had been timid at first, as if trying to feel without feeling. But as my surprise waned and my passion took over, he could no longer hold himself back. I moaned softly as his hands slid up my jaw and into my hair, gently massaging my scalp. A shiver of pleasure ripped through my spine as his tongue traced my bottom lip. My body was shaking, weakened by the surge of pleasure his touch sent through me.

I sighed heavily as I parted his lips with my tongue, letting it slide into the warm moisture of his mouth.

"Tanya…" he growled, pulling me into his iron embrace.

I struggled to keep my mind focused on this moment, wishing I could stop time and live here forever. I did not try to suppress the moan that escaped my lips as our bodies molded together perfectly. I could feel myself changing; feel the ice that had formed around my deadened heart melting. I felt the inner structures of my body re-configure; building itself upon a life force that could only be sustained by his presence, by his kiss…by his love.

This was more than anything I'd imagined and as I felt him slowly began to pull away, I knew something was different; not only within myself, but with Edward as well. I knew in this moment that my smile would never be as warm, my eyes never as bright; my words would never be as sure, as when he was near me. I gasped as he held my face in his hands, swiftly dislodging his lips from my own. His breath was silent, though his stone chest heaved rapidly. My eyes lingered there a moment, before meeting his.

His creamy butterscotch pools of light were swimming with hunger as he held my gaze. I did not speak; afraid that words would somehow lessen the moment. His lips pulled up into a timid smile as he nodded once in agreement with my thoughts.

My eyes never left his, though I blinked often; afraid that this was some sort of dream that I would soon wake from. He smiled again as he placed my hand in his, tracing the outlines of my venom filled veins. I watched him, wishing that I could hear at least a fraction of his thoughts.

"You have but to ask." The light, sensual tone of his velvety voice finally broke the silence. There were a million thoughts racing through my mind; a million questions, but I didn't know where to start; what to ask. Everything outside of this moment seemed so irrelevant; but there was one thing I wanted to know.

"Yes…I did." He answered my unvoiced question as he dropped my gaze for the first time.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Edward. You can't help what you felt…or feel." I breathed, bringing his large palm to rest against my still heart. I sighed wearily, knowing that what had just taken place between us would only further complicate the situation.

"I agree." The melancholy tone his voice had taken on sent a wave of sadness through me. I let his hand fall from my chest as I turned away from him.

"Tanya…please, I don't regret it, not at all." His lips were on the crown of my head, sending burst of warm breath throughout my hair.

"Then how do you feel, Edward? Please be honest, I can handle it." The moment the question left my lips, I wished I could take it back. I probably could handle whatever his feelings were, but suddenly, I wasn't so sure that I wanted to know. Sometimes, things are just easier if you're in the dark.

"Really Tanya, it's not that bad." He swept my hair to one side and placed a soft kiss at the nape of my neck. I nearly melted.

"The truth is…I really don't know. I feel so…torn, I mean, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love and adore Bella, truly I do. But I cannot deny that there is a part of me, and I'm not sure how much but, a part of me is in love with you. Maybe it has always been there, lying dormant, but always building and growing each time I saw you. Though the bulk of me was turned away because of the thoughts you had, maybe there was a part of me that…didn't mind those thoughts…that wanted them just as much as you did." His voice was just above a whisper, but I heard; with all my heart I heard him.

I had been holding my breath as I waited for his response, and though I didn't need to breathe, I suddenly felt as if I would asphyxiate. Did he really mean those things? Was it possible? No, of course not; I forced myself to calm down. Edward's words had been everything I'd ever wanted to hear from him, but what did it matter? We both knew that this would change nothing. I guess for me it was a little better knowing how he felt, but was it really better, knowing that he loved me, yet knowing he couldn't be with me?

"Tanya, I…"

"Its ok, Edward, I wasn't expecting…well, I'm just…glad that you know. At least now I don't have to keep dwelling on the "what if's". I can move on, knowing that you had all the facts and still made the same decision. At least I can go through eternity knowing that I have a small place in your heart."

My words were true, but even in saying them I knew it was not enough. I knew that my body would always long for his touch, his kiss…his presence; but I could live with that. I would live with the decision he had made, even if it meant an eternity of sadness.

"Tanya, there's something I need to tell you."

"No, Edward," I turned to face him, placing my finger over his soft lips, "I understand. You don't owe me anything; you don't have to explain anything. This is just the way things are; you love her, you need to be with her. I understand that now. Just…"

"Tanya, I left her." His voice was searing with heartache, yet somehow I could not mask the feeling of joy at his words. I chided myself, embarrassed that I had found pleasure in his time of pain.

"I'm…sorry, Edward." The words were true; though I loved him and wanted him, I did not want to see him in this sort of agony. I pushed the optimism that was brimming within me to the back of my mind, and concentrated on helping him deal.

"That's what I like about you…both of you," his voice trailed softly before he began again, "you're both able to put aside your feelings for a moment and focus on helping someone who may be a little worse off than you are." His palm came to rest lightly on my neck; his finger traced soft circles across the sensitive surface.

"Edward," I moaned, closing my eyes. "Edward, please…stop." The motion ceased instantly.

"I'm sorry…I thought I was strong enough, but I don't think I can do this. As good as it feels, I can't sit here and pretend that you're not leaving, and neither can you." I pulled his hand away from my neck and held it between my own.

"I'm not leaving." He breathed.

"What?"

"I left her, Tanya. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I knew it was the only thing I could do to save her. I can live, barely, without her in my life but I cannot live without her in this world."

"Exactly, Edward, you cannot live without her. I know it; you know it, so let's just call it what it is and move on. I love you Edward, with all of my being, but I will not be a substitute. I will not allow myself to serve as a momentary distraction from the pain; only to be discarded once you realize you can't truly be without her…in any way."

I jumped from the large, exposed root and ran as fast as possible towards the house. It didn't take long to get there, but I should have known I wouldn't be fast enough to beat him. If it were feasible, my pale face would be covered in warm tears at the sight of his radiance, slightly shimmering in the fading sun as he sat on the steps of my porch.

"Did you really think you could get away from me that easily?" His dazzling smile sent a sharp pain through my chest.

"Of course not." I answered dully, gliding past him and into the house.

"Tanya, please…bear with me."

"That's unfair, Edward. Why should I sacrifice myself for your feelings? Why do I have to heal your wounds to make you presentable to someone else?"

"Because…I, I love you…too. It's strange and yes, unfair but what else can I do? This is what you wanted! Maybe not exactly, but, you had to know that something like this could happen."

He stepped in front of me, and continued, "Please, Tanya, help me. Help me see where I need to be."

He pleaded, once again placing his hand to my neck. I gazed into his smoldering eyes and knew this was a battle I would not win. A slow, crooked smile spread across his lips.

"Ok Edward, I'll help," I breathed, stepping into his body, "and I'll start by doing this."

I grabbed a handful of his wild, bronze hair and brought his lips to mine. They were urgent and hungry as he parted them, letting his warm tongue search my mouth. He moaned deeply as he caressed the small of my back with one hand and gently massaged my neck with the other. My mind was in a trance as his lips sought to devour my own. And as he raised one leg to kick the front door closed, I couldn't help but think that for the first time, if only for a moment, he had chosen to close the door on Bella, too.

**Well, that's it? hope u all enjoyed it! TTFN!**

**peace&positivEnergy**


	4. Reflection

**Okiday! So this chappy is dedicated to xxSaraqxx!! My number one fan!! :)**

**My plan was to continue this story, but after writing this chapter, i'm not sure where i want to go with it. I had plans for it, but this chapter, tho short, just kinda changed everything i had in mind...i dont know...lol. We'll c!**

**Steph own the main peepz in this here shindig!**

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She gazed wearily at the small mirror over the sink, studying its ghostly reflection. It was probable that she had never been seen as beautiful, a fact she seemed to be aware of. Her face was a composite of "too's". Lips too full for a chin too narrow; eyes too brown against skin that was too pale. She seemed to be ok with this; she accepted the plainness she was given as there was no refund to be had.

She turned her face from side to side, observing the dramatic changes she had undergone. In this light, if not for the fact of her absence of beauty, she could almost pass for the vampire she had once been so desperate to become. The deep brown eyes were now framed with purplish circles. It didn't seem possible, but her pale skin was more colorless than it had ever been; a fact that was only magnified by the thick, chocolate-brown hair that framed her face.

I lifted my eyes to meet hers. The quiet agony of desperation in them mirrored my own. Like mine, they seemed to understand why she had not been enough to keep him. Of course we knew it wasn't just about beauty; he was more mature than that. But in her eyes, I could see that she had secretly hoped her mind, though silent to him, would be enough to make him stay; that the irrevocable love she felt for him was enough. I looked away; for fear that the pain would overtake me.

There was no sound, except the faint shuffling of my bare feet against the floorboards as I made my way to the room. My breathing was ragged as I reached the bed, just in time to support myself. I struggled to inhale deeply, determined to block the pain I knew would come. I crawled back onto the bed, draping my body face down, towards the window.

My eyes came to rest on the tall, green trees swaying gracefully in the wind, as I wondered why something felt different. It was a dreary morning in forks, like any other. A quick glance around my room told me that everything was in the same disarray as the day before. I ran my fingers through my tangled hair, trying to decipher what had changed.

Then slowly, as if on cue, the dream began to replay itself. It was Edward and me, standing in the darkened wood behind my house the night he'd left. Everything played out in the same way it had that night except this time, when I followed him on the damp trail, a shadowy figure silently emerged from the dark and ghosted to his side; placing their hand in his before they sprinted away into the night. I had tried, without success, to fight back this image that threatened to make what little life I had left, void. True, it had only been a dream, but that fact didn't stop the sharp pains from piercing my side; it didn't stop the slow eruption of tears.

As hard as I tried, I could not shake the picture of the familiar, bone white fingers interlaced with a smaller, yet identical hand. The glimpse of shiny, strawberry blond hair I had no face to put with. The painful image repeated annoyingly in my head like a scratched CD until it finally broke my resolve.

My body spasmed uncontrollably as tears shoved their way down my cheeks.

"Edward…" my voice called involuntarily; betraying the vow I had made to never speak his name again.

"Edward…" my heart joined the mutiny as my arms snaked around my quaking frame, hopelessly trying to hold me together.

"Edward, no…" my mind was the last thing to go as memories of him flashed before me.

I watched behind the lids of my eyes as my breaths continued to stagger. Every moment we had shared, both good and bad, now seemed tainted by some unseen presence; as if it had always been there watching, waiting for the right moment to reveal itself. I shook my head violently, desperate to rid myself of the feeling that I was being replaced. Squeezing my eyes tightly, I mustered up what little energy I had left and pushed every kiss, every touch, every memory I had of him, into a small room in the far corners of my mind.

"Goodbye, Edward." I spoke his name for the last time, before quietly closing the door on my life.

**Alrighty! hope you liked it. Wow...i have really enjoyed writing this. I honestly feel like so far, this is story in general, is the best that i've written. please read and review if u choose.**

**Thanks again for reading.**

**peace&positivEnergy**


	5. Changed

**okiday! this is super super short...but i figured it was better than nothing..sorry it took so long...i've been an unproductive combination of busy and lazy...**

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I could not speak.

For the first time I could remember, I was utterly speechless. I had not expected the feelings that coursed through me as our lips met. The kiss, though chaste in its nature, had awakened something in me that I knew would never rest.

I was forever changed.

Again.

Just the feeling of her skin against mine was enough to heighten the fire burning within me. It was strange, having my entire mind enveloped in this pleasure. With Bella, I had always felt divided into three persons. The first was me, the human me, experiencing the moment shared with my love. The second me, the monster, was always lunging for the pulsating veins of her neck while the third person, Edward the guard, was always ready to restrain him.

I relished in this new feeling; of having my entire mind as one. I had never thought of what it would be like to be fully present in the moment.

"Why are you so quiet?" her voice, though plagued with insecurity, was a filament of silk. I forced my eyes closed, afraid that looking at her face would only widen the chasm that was slowly forming in my dead heart. Instead, I continued to softly trace the lines inside her strong yet somehow delicate, palm.

"I'm…not sure what to say. This…feeling…" my voice trailed as I struggled to describe the sense of warmth invading my veins. Though I had experienced these sensations before, this time, it was different.

It was better.

"Edward, I'm sorry I couldn't…"

"Please, I…wanted it, just as much as you." I breathed, tightening my arm around her waist and placing one finger over her mouth. Her eyes widened momentarily and then settled into a smoldering gaze. Before I could blink, she parted her lips and stroked my fingertip with her tongue.

"Oh." I gasped, both surprised and aroused by the action.

_Oh no, I've gone too far. I ruined it. He's not ready. Does he want to leave now? Is he thinking of her?_

Her thoughts came to me in a stream of angst and worry. It seemed no words I could say were going to quell her feelings of doubt.

So I chose instead, to act.

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**ok! i know it was short! again, i'm sorry. rant and rave in the reviews!! love 2 all!**


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